Duck Dynasty stars celebrated this year’s Halloween at their Duck Commander scarehouse with the show’s Season Finale.
“We’re going to turn the warehouse into the SCAREhouse,” declared Korie Robertson.
Most of the crew was excited about hosting the trick or treat festival, but Jase Robertson had his reservations.
“Let me guess, by <<we>>, you mean <<us>>,” said Jase.
“Exactly,” smiled Korie Robertson.
“I want this thing to be killer,” said Willie Robertson, holding a bloodied plastic arm.
“No pun intended.”
Jase Robertson was not particularly enthused about the idea of wearing a costume–or about Halloween in general.
“I’ve never really understood why people get so excited about dressing up during Halloween,” groused Jase Robertson.
“Let’s just call Halloween what it is–a weird fashion show for candy.”
As the Duck Dynasty crew got to work building a maze for the haunted house, they started debating what movie was the scariest of all time.
Jase Robertson declared his favorite to be the classic 1978 slasher flick, “Halloween.”
“There’s something about a man with a mask and a butcher knife,” he explained.
“Yeah, I watched that one with my eyes closed,” noted John Godwin.
“I like Freddy Cougar,” added Uncle Si, misnaming Freddy Krueger.
“Now, he’s scary. I’m talking about–hey–Freddy Cougar, the scariest movie of all. Hey, look–the guy comes you at you when you’re asleep. That scares me, because I sleep a lot.”
Jep Robertson had a different definition of terror.
“That movie <<Ghost>>, that was scary horror movie,” declared Jep Robertson.
“You mean that movie that Whoppi Goldberg was in?” asked Jase Robertson incredulously.
“That’s not a horror movie.”
“That was a chick flick,” added John Godwin.
“Yeah, but it was still scary,” said Jase Robertson, defensively.
Meanwhile, back at the Robertson compound, Miss Kay was busy in the kitchen, decorating cupcakes and telling ghost stories to the grandchildren.
Phil Robertson tried to sample some of Miss Kay’s baked goods, but was swatted away.
“No, no sir,” chided Miss Kay Robertson.
“This is for people who participate in Halloween. No dress-up, no cup cakes.”
It seemed that Phil and Jase Robertson share similar feelings about the spooky holiday.
“Well, I’m not much into All Hallows’ Eve, or Halloween as they call it,” explained Phil Robertson.
“Pagan holidays, not my particular cup of tea. But throw a bunch of cup cakes into the mix, and hey–I can suffer through it for a day or two. But trust me–I’m not into it.”
Phil Robertson did, however, seem to be into carving pumpkins.
Leading the kids to an outdoor picnic table, Phil Robertson instructed his grandchildren to treat the pulpy orange squash as if it was a freshly killed mallard duck.
“Gutting a duck is a particular skill that every man, woman and child should know,” he said.
“Of course, it’s not duck season yet, but we do have plenty of pumpkins.”
Phil Robertson attacks a pumpkin with particular skill and flair.
“Anything that involves a lot of knife work, that’s a good thing,” he explained, as he mimicked a series of quick slashing motions.
“River rat Benihana’s.”
After successfully carving a jack-o-lantern, his grandkids were not impressed.
“More scary,” one pleaded.
“A beard,” suggested another.
“You want a beard on him, I’ll give you a beard on him,” Phil Robertson told the children, squarely aiming his shotgun at the defenseless squash.
After the gourd splattered everywhere, Phil Robertson was satisfied.
“Now, that is how you carve a pumpkin.”
Back at the SCAREhouse, the kids had a frightful time, being spooked by a condemned John Godwin in an electric chair, zombie teenagers and Uncle Si dressed as a giant, crazed beaver.
After failing to scare anyone in his Freddy Cougar–um, Krueger–outfit, Willie Robertson reflected on the importance of unity.
“Halloween is awesome for many reasons. Of course, there’s the candy, dressing up in non-matching outfits and you can’t forget scaring the crap out of little kids. But the best part of Halloween is that everyone gets to come together–not just as family, but as a community. Young and old, friends and neighbors, all together in the name of good fun–and candy.”
Duck Dynasty Season 4 is over and A&E will air a very special one-hour holiday program on December 5 entitled, I’m Dreaming of a Redneck Christmas..
A new Duck Dynasty game for mobile devices called Battle of the Beards, and is available at the iTunes store for iPhones ($.99) and iPads ($1.99).